The Abendzeitung's A to Z Oktoberfest Guide
Off to the 173rd Oktoberfest
What is allowed, what isn't. And how a true Bavarian does it.
Flirting means making contacts, or else being a jerk-- according to whether or not you're successful. By the way, please notice the apron bows. Off limits if the knot is on the right! Then the lady is already taken.
Biergarten. True connoisseurs look for a quiet little place before noon. It's friendly and peaceful. Simply gemütlich.
Champagne. The noble stuff is given out only in six tents: Käfer, Weinzelt, Hippodrom, Armbrustschützenzelt, Fischer-Vroni, and Schützen-Festzelt.
Thirst. You must bring it with you-- and better quite a big one. There is no ordering "a half-pint" or "a small Pils."
Faux pas. If you want to avoid this area, do not use expressions like "fair" or "carnival" or anything like them about the Oktoberfest, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Grumbling. Typical old Bavarian. However: whoever is friendly to the waiter will get his beer quicker than the whiner on the next bench.
Herzerl. [photo above] Watch out, if the "honey" doesn't buy one for his darling while strolling around the Wies'n! Note: The relation between Herzerl and size is the same as with rings and cost. The bigger/more expensive, the deeper/more sincere the love. Completely unacceptable: enough with the "It's over" Herzerl.
Crazy. In the bumper-cars, simply going around in circles is for the boring. True daredevils remember James Dean and set up a chicken race-- driving straight toward each other, and the first one to swerve loses.
Young and Old. If there is ever an event in Munich that suits everyone from the baby to Grandma, it's the Oktoberfest. For Oktoberfest-avoiders there are no excuses, or if there are, they're bad.
Screaming. The noise that brave young women emit while riding the roller-coaster, preferably right in the ear of the next passenger. The rule here is: on no account complain.
Lotteries. Two rules. 1) Buy a ticket spontaneously-- this has sweetened many a visit to the Wies'n. 2) Dear parents, let your dwarves go and get their own winnings-- they have better eyes anyway, and it also spares a lot of argument.
Music is there to dance to, fallala...Although it is officially forbidden-- bench-clingers are spiessig [the word implies petty-bourgeois taste but the scorn goes much much further than that].
Noshing. Cotton candy, chocolate bananas, toasted almonds, candied fruit-- for every snacker there's something just right. The dumbest question: "What's actually inside a candied apple?"
Original. The Oktoberfest Wies'n [meadow]. There's nothing else.
Pissoirs are invariably crowded at the Wies'n. Hot tip for girls: deny yourself the urinals-- it doesn't look good.
Fumes. A well-trimmed cigar is, as ever, the ideal last note for a day at the Wies'n. Far off in the front-runners are classics like Cohiba, Montecristo, or Moods. Don't go for cigars with vanilla-, cherry-, or rum-flavor.
Ferris Wheel. You have to have ridden it once. A no-no: Film porn on the Ferris Wheel. Last year a film company tried it-- caught at once.
Schnaps. If you feel crummy, try a Bärwurz at the Schnaps stand.
Technique. "Whack Lucas!" On the Ship-swing or the slide, it depends on technique, not on strength.
Taboo Words. "I am a driver." "It's too loud here." "Tracht is stupid." "I feel sick on rollercoasters." "I DON'T LIKE BEER!"
Prohibitions. Naturally there are some. Dogs and bicycles for example can't come in.
Wild game. In the rollercoaster it can get hot. As a rule for behavior while riding, see Screaming.
X-Chromosomes come to the Oktoberfest in dirndls. They drink the men, jostling in line, under the table. They ride the wildest rides and (almost) never use feminine wiles to get a beer.
Y-Chromosomes have burly calves in their lederhosen, know exactly how much beer they can drink, and are heroes of the Power Tower. Also they charm X-Chromosomes quite romantically on the Ferris Wheel.
Shooting Gallery: Wait until the employees are not in the line of fire. Can-throwing: aim at the bottom middle can. Tip: Drink enough Zielwasser ahead of time-- it can't hurt.
--by M. Grimm, L. Kaufmann, M. Glas, 23 September 2006
Comments